Thursday, July 22, 2010

Short Folk #4: House Sparrow

They were just lying there, close under a grey blanket on the front net that stretched between the two hulls of the catamaran. The boat lolled gently in the reef’s cove and moved in a slow curve around its anchor.

A finch, or it could have been a sparrow, something small and buffeted, flew in on the warm air and landed angled on the wire of a mast stanchion. They both watched it, close by them but too dark to make out its coloring. It started calling, a high-pitched plaintive chreep.  The woman was the first to speak, but hushed, so as not to scare away the bird.

-Funny, it’s almost like it has something to tell us.
-He’s the designated welcome committee. Seems like the natives are hostile.
-Something like that.

Then they were quiet for a bit just watching the bird. Silhouetted on the wire against the sky they could see all the askance feathers that windfluttered away from its compact body. The man was the next to speak, chuckling softly.

-Reminds me of the time at my grandfather’s house where the bird got down the chimney. Have I told you that story?
-I don’t think so
-I was in my twenties. I went back up to Canada to visit them. We had this big Sunday dinner with all my aunts and uncles, all the grandkids. They had this wood-burning stove in the old brick chimney, with a tall stovepipe that T’d at the top.  And this tiny house sparrow got down it and then couldn’t get out. The whole dinner we could hear it flying around in the pipe and making the same urgent sound that one’s making now.
-That has to be the most tragic thing I’ve ever heard.
-And over and over my grandpa keeps muttering that he put chicken wire up there and there’s no reason why the dumb bird should have got down there in the first place.  It was killing the dinner, and we didn’t know how to react to my grandfather because he was such a stern man. But then my grandmother says ‘Well it doesn’t quite sound like a chicken that’s down there, does it Heber’?

The man paused to see if the punch line would have any effect on her. It didn’t and he kept going.

-Anyway, we all looked at him to see how he would take it. But he just laughed and that set us all off laughing. Strange that a little bird could bring that memory back.

The woman waited a breath to see if he would continue, then she spoke,

            -And the bird? What happened to the bird?
            -After a while we just lit the stove. It seemed like the most humane thing to do.

She waited at his side just long enough that he wouldn’t guess at why she was leaving.  And when she rolled away and stood the boat rolled and the bird left the wire, flying hard towards land, darting on the vectors of the wind. Before she went below she turned and looked at him there in the milky dark, under the blanket on the white mesh net, something akin to disbelief in her eyes. It occurred to her that she didn’t know him. Ashy grey shape. Strange clotted mass. Inhuman form.


3 comments:

  1. This is my favorite so far. There's a calm that builds like a wave (keeping with the nautical nature here) and then crests at her reaction. This story is definitely a keeper.

    A question. Is she the only one speaking in the first set of dialogue? The three hash marks confused me because then it says he was the next one to speak.

    Also, the end is amazing. Maybe the end could be tightened up a little. The images of how she's seeing him, (ashy grey and that) work for me as an idea more than the way they're written at the moment.

    I don't know why I'm being critical. I guess I just really like the story and that makes me get all workshoppy. Bang up job.

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  2. I wonder if the end would be clearer if I switched the descriptive trio and put it before the "it occured to her line" making that the last line,? Thoughts? Also, they are both talking in the first dialogue block. I hate dialogu e and will take suggestions on how to make it clearer.

    I also wonder if you liked I more because it was the first one in 3rd person. It certainly seems to make a difference. Thanks buddy the feedback

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  3. Perfect. I wouldn't change a word. Builds up to the perfect ending. That's the way most women look at men. :) RGA

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